9 Feb 2017

Another Epic Sandwich

When you have small children, you go one of two ways. The way of virtue - batch cooking everything organically and lovingly from scratch, pulling it from the freezer at the drop of a hat, remembering the use of a slow cooker, always being prepared. Alternatively, there is the the way of fuck this shit - cooking the same six meals on rotation all month because fuck this shit. This is slightly complicated when you have an autistic child who will literally vomit if you try and make them eat something new that they distrust. So we eat pie, and we eat pasta with sauce, and we eat a roast and then a curry made of leftovers, and we eat pulled pork, and we eat egg and chips, and we eat pizza and mini-kievs. And there's nothing WRONG with any of this, but my god it gets DULL.

So here is my treat tea, which I make only for me, and only rarely coz it's FAT, but it breaks up the monotony and the kids have had their egg and chips, and Tom is cooking pasta and I am replete.It's a sandwich type meal, because there's nothing better for a one-person feast. It's just a sandwich! Who can begrudge a sandwich?

Soph's Delicious Fucking Sandwich

You will need:
Two fresh eggs. You can tell how fresh an egg is by reading the use by date and subtracting 21 days. This will give you the day it was packaged. Much easier than fucking about with glasses of water.
Two bread rolls. Not ciabatta, something a bit more sturdy. A standard burger bun will do.
Some smoked salmon. Cheap offcuts are fine.
Salad.
Hollandaise sauce. Don't make it yourself, but do buy Maille brand because it tastes nice.
Ketchup, if you're a pleb. I am a pleb.

Slice your buns in half. Layer some salad and salmon on the lower half of each.

Now, poach your eggs. I have never had the slightest bit of difficulty poaching eggs, but some people treat it like it's neurosurgery. Make sure your eggs are reasonably fresh. Break them into water that's fucking hot but not quite boiling. Don't touch or stir them. Don't let the water boil. They will set into a little cloud. Skim off the white crap that comes sprouting up - I have a skimmer that I use solely for this, although I'm sure it has some mysterious purpose in stock making. You can use a spoon if you lack a skimmer. Poached eggs don't take long, but will sit for ages in warmish water. I can't tell you when your eggs will be sufficiently poached - for that you must use your eyes. If this is really too difficult, separate your eggs and poach the yolk only. It's much easier to see when the yolk is set. If EVEN THIS is too much, fry the fucking things.

Drain your poached eggs on kitchen paper. This stops everything getting soggy because poached eggs are a bugger for hiding water in their fat, white folds.

Heat your hollandaise. You want a fat spoonful per bun. Maybe two. Don't let it boil, it just wants warming up.

Put a drained egg on each salad-and-salmon bun. Put the warmed hollandaise on top of the egg. Put the top of the bun on top of all this.

Serve with some salad on the side, because the yolk bursts and goes everywhere and you don't want to waste it. And some ketchup, if you're plebby. Eat it. Revel in it. You will need to wash your face and hands afterwards, so you probably don't want an audience.
***

I would show you a picture, but I ate it too quick.

No comments:

Post a Comment