25 Oct 2011


My OU funding got approved at long last and I finished registering to start my course. Woop woop. My start date is 4th February, which will come round quick once Christmas is out of the way.

Christmas, when childless, is an occasion to get presents and wasted. And you can do that WITH children, but not until you've made them believe that you are, in fact, an elderly, bearded fellow with a penchant for chimneys, and spent your entire year's savings on making sure that aforementioned bearded fellow has left them an impressive heap of presents. It's not all about the presents, it's about the magic. Magic is expensive. Who knew?
As my child quota doubled earlier this year, I have more Christmas to arrange than usual, but I'm actually really looking forward to it. It's my eldest's third christmas and the first where he'll be able to understand a little of what's going on, which is contributing to my Christmas-magic related anxiety.

Anyway, spurred forth by my OU acceptance and unusually healthy bank balance, I bought myself a spanky new Dell Inspiron all-in-one to work (and play Sims 3) on. *bounces up and down*. Now all I need is a computer chair and a printer and I'm GOOD.

Oh, and co-ordinated stationary, naturally.

9 Oct 2011

The office

I live with two very small children. They monopolise my house, utterly. They both sleep in my bed, so that too is monopolised. I do things like de-toy the living room when my toddler's in bed, so it feels more like my own space, but since I usually sit up with the baby in the evenings, I'm still not child free. There is only one room in the house devoid of the trappings of offspring and that is my study/office/library/chillout room.

I deliberately got a three bedroomed house so I could have a room JUST for me. This may sound selfish, but I need some space. We all need some space. The boys have a double bedroom between them, but sleep in my bed anyway, so my bedroom is not my own. It has taken me some months (four, to be precise) to organise my study into a workable space, but today, I completed it, spurred on by the arrival of my course textbooks, sent by the wonderful and generous Vickie.

I haven't quite completed it. Currently, I have a desk, a keyboard, a stool, three huge (and full) bookcases and various scrapbooking supplies. I have some pictures to hang. The desk has integral drawers and shelves.

I need:
A desktop computer, including monitor, keyboard and mouse
A lamp
General stationary supplies
A printer, preferably incorporating a scanner
A ludicrously comfortable computer chair

I have a bit of money saved up for this, but I need a bit more before I can get it all. Especially the chair. Chairs cost a bloody fortune, even on Ebay.

I made a cockup with my application for OU funding. I didn't read the part of the notes where it said to get the passport copy certified. *facepalm*. So, hopefully, my brother in law will certify it for me. The list of potential certifiers is ridiculously exact. For example, a teacher can certify it. However my friend who is a school nurse, cannot.

Ah well, I'll get that sent back and I might actually feel like I'm getting somewhere! The abiding panic at the thought of actually Doin' Learninz has abated somewhat.

3 Oct 2011

Breaking up is hard to do

Why do some couples stay together, and others fall apart?


Ahem. The fact is, I know why me and my ex failed. A lack of communication. I wanted to settle down, be a family, raise my kids and do the whole 'grown up' thing. My ex was not. Not even close. He wasn't ready to stop being the focus of my attention, couldn't understand why I needed to give my time to my child/ren instead. We never properly discussed it, just tried to batter each others square peg into our own round hole. No innuendo intended.
Then, I finally got pregnant again and I think he saw that we'd be getting worse and ran the fuck away to someone who was more willing to be devoted to him. It's very narcissistic, although you could argue that so is reproduction. You like yourself so much, you play god and produce someone in your own image, then fight them until they're adults to try and make them just like you.

The truth is, with me and my ex, that we could've loved each other to the death, but neither of us would have been happy. We suffocated each other. We could've stayed together for the kids, but they would have had to witness our combustion on a weekly basis. It'll have been a year next week, a year in which I have moved away, become financially independant and had our second child. It's been a very rough, painful year.
It was like an amputation to start with; I felt like there was part of me missing, an empty hole where he'd been. And, as with an amputation, I felt the itch there all the time. It was like he was dead, because the man I married had gone completely. I didn't know him anymore, it was so disorientating. I couldn't rid myself of all the 'what ifs' and they do you no good at all.

Now? We still see each other regularly, because of the children, and we don't fight. We don't even argue. I'm not bitter - what's the point? I have my beautiful little boys, and they are reward enough. I know what not to do next time, I know what behaviour to watch out for in a partner.
And I know who I am now. I'm not just someone's other half, not just someone's mother, not just a cook and dishwasher. I'm me, and I quite like me.