Has anyone seen my confidence?

I got 61% in my second TMA.
I am sorely disappointed and feel, quite simply, thick as shit. That's a 1% increase on my first TMA. One. Per. Cent. To break it down, I actually scored 5 marks higher in my essay, but lost them on the mini-essay and self reflection. HOW CAN YOU LOSE MARKS ON SELF REFLECTION??? Nobody can answer me this.

My confidence is pretty much gone. I know that part of the 'joy' of distance learning is writing how THEY want you to, and my writing style is waaaay too descriptive, I can't get myself into the right mindset to work on it. I keep wondering what the point is. I know it's a pass, I know it's not a bad pass, I KNOW I SOUND MELODRAMATIC.
But I feel like my marks are not reflecting my understanding of the course. I just don't know quite how to turn what I've learnt into something my tutor can give better marks to.

My next TMA is due in two weeks and I haven't started it yet (bearing in mind my last two were submitted long before the cut-off). I've done all the reading and tomorrow, I shall write an essay plan and I shall try and make it a PROPER essay plan instead of some bish-bash-bosh notes. I read on someone's blog that think of essays as a 'tree to hang their knowledge on' and this has slightly inspired me. I need to write in shorter sentences, make sure it makes sense and flows.

Then begins the project, of which I am nominated co-ordinator. I am actually looking forward to it at the moment, though God knows for how long! I will get my next TMA results when I'm on holiday...so I hope they're not shit or I'll be sad. Kinda gotta write the thing first...

At least I'm still getting 100% on the iCMAs!

The results

I scored 60%.

That equates to full marks for parts B and C, and 45 out of 85 for my essay. I got full marks on the writing skills elements.

I am a bit disappointed, I cannot lie. I nearly cried when I read my score, like a prick.

It's a pass 3, which is a C according to OU classification. I probably shouldn't be so disappointed. I can see exactly where I went 'wrong', even without feedback, and I need to try and work out how to fix it for next time.

My next essay is due on May 3rd. I'm halfway through the reading for it. I think this time I might try more formally planning it, rather than just mind-vomiting all over my laptop. I think I'll take my time, panic less and not be in such a massive anxious haste to submit.

In better news, I got 100% on my first iCMA. So in a surreal turn of events, I did better at maths than english!

How to write a TMA (or not)

So, I submitted my first TMA. The writing process went thusly:

I looked at the question a few times in the week of the last unit of the block.
I thought about it a lot, and pulled a lot of vexed faces about it.
I jotted a few ideas down when they came to me.
I woke up one morning with the essay introduction formed in my head, and the part of the text I was going to analyse.

I sorted the kids out, sat down and got writing.
I wrote the introduction. It was far too long.
I sat and looked at the introduction for some time.
I procrastinated trying to work out Harvard referencing. For what it's worth, Harvard referencing is annoying. It alters depending on which institution you're writing for. There must be a simpler way, but the Open Uni rules compel me to Harvard.
I started writing the body of my essay.
I wrote a conclusion. This was all over a couple of hours.
I checked the word count - 50% over the wordlimit. Oops.
I did some cutting, but as is the norm with an essay you JUST wrote, couldn't see anywhere I could possibly trim my precious words.
I sent it to my word-count-slave sister (she's a journalist) for some help and grammar checking. She returned it with some ideas.
I sat and edited it.
I edited it again.
And again.
And finally I was left with an essay that hit the word count.

I ignored it for two days.

I then re-read the essay question and um...realised I hadn't answered it in my essay.

So I rewrote huge swathes of it, to actually answer the question, and trimmed the conclusion a bit.

Then I took it out of Works and into Open Office. Open Office is free and I shouldn't expect so much of it, but my god! Everything is so damnably complicated. It took me ages to work out how to put a page number in the footer! I miss Word. I must locate a copy.

I fretted about it.

I fretted some more.

I submitted it.

And thusly did my first TMA essay come to be pass. Strange how unconcerned I used to be about submitting essays in school, doing them the night before, half asleep/drunk. And now, they fill my every waking MOMENT! I don't expect my marks til around my birthday on the 3rd. That'll be a lovely birthday present...sigh...

This week, I've also done my first iCMA. It was easy, even for a dyscalculic dunce like me. I don't get my score for that yet either.

On with Block 2!