I've reached the "fucking fed up" stage of pregnancy now. Not QUITE at the "so fucking fed up I just want him out" stage (let's not get ahead of ourselves), but almost. I have begun to dwell on all the things I will be able to do in a few weeks...
Like... SLEEP ON MY FRONT. In fact, sleeping in any position that doesn't cause pain will be a novelty. Such is the state of my pelvis that I cannot sleep on either side, or my back, without waking up in pain and walking like a newborn fawn. A really bloody fat newborn fawn. Oh to wake up without backache, without feeling like someone's crowbarred my pelvis open at the sides, without my thighs hurting for NO GOOD REASON. It will be beautiful.
And DRINK WITHOUT IMMEDIATELY PEEING. Oh the joy of an unburdened bladder. You know not your fortune in being able to sleep all night without waking up from your unborn gently headbutting you in the bladder.
No more MORNING SICKNESS. It is a universally accepted myth that morning sickness only lasts for the first trimester. It does not. Well, I suppose for some lucky beasts it does, but I'm not among them. No more will I vomit into the kitchen sink while my other children shriek "MUMMY! DON'T BE SICK IN MY BREAKFAST".
While we're on the subject of food, EATING PROPERLY will be amazing (and relatively guiltless on the breastfeeding diet). I can't eat a full meal. I'm too full of child. He's quite a big baby (on course to be at least 9lb at birth) and I have his head in my bladder, and his arse in my stomach. I throw up if I eat too late, or too early. I miss food. I'm almost never hungry, because of the pressure, but sometimes I will get very hungry for very specific things I cannot have, like...Mr Kipling apple pies at 11pm. Or mustard. Or I'll really fancy something at 4pm, but by the time my husband brings it proudly home from work, won't be able to abide the sight of it.
And eating ALL THE FORBIDDEN THINGS will be amazing as well. It wasn't too bad when it was colder (except Christmas) but this time of year, all I really want is stinky cheese, wine and paté. I know, I should have been French.
AND not getting INDIGESTION. Of all the hateful pregnancy afflictions, not being able to drink my permitted cups of builder's tea without getting fearful indigestion is probably the cruellest.
Then there's the physical bonuses of not lugging a huge bump around 24/7, like BEING ABLE TO BEND. Currently, I have to get on my knees to pick up the countless toys and clothes scattered about the house, and to load and unload the washing machine.
Not to mention BEING ABLE TO WALK UP THE STAIRS WITHOUT DYING. This is not wholly the child's fault; I'm quite anaemic and breathless fatigue is an annoying side effect.
And I'll be able to SEE WHERE I'M GOING. I can't see my feet. I can't see anything below my midline, including my younger son who is short. I am forever stepping on lego and have to scan the kitchen floor for slugs if I go in there at night, lest I have a terrible, labour-inducing horror shock.
And I won't be BEATEN FROM WITHIN anymore. This baby is lying on his side. His brothers preferred to lie on their front and beat the shit out of my placenta, which I couldn't feel. This baby is all limbs (hence his nickname: Squid), and gets his feet under my ribs while he puts his hands under my pelvis and then PUSHES AS HARD AS HE CAN, which is pretty fucking hard considering how tiny he is.
I'm well enough versed in motherhood to know this exhaustion isn't going anywhere when the baby's born. BUT I will at least be ABLE TO SLEEP. Currently, my body gets really tired around 2-4pm, and then again around 8:30pm and if I don't go to bed, it wakes up and goes on the alert until around midnight. This appears to roughly coincide with the baby's sleep pattern. In my experience, I will be able to fall asleep standing up once the kid is out. Hurrah! I may even be able to CONCENTRATE. You try revising for an exam at this stage of pregnancy. Tisn't easy. I can't even read a magazine without getting distracted and staring into space for five minutes.
Oh, there will be all the negatives of birth as well. Stitches, arse pain, constipation, aching, bleeding half to death, Lola Ferrari boobs, milk spurting everywhere, HATING THE WORLD, being so tired I might die, getting peed on, shit on, sicked on (and that's just my husband...lolz), getting cried at every 20 minutes for five hours. But ... FOOD. AND BENDING!
Five more weeks til I'm due. Nearly there.
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